HARDASS (THE MOVIE) TEASER SCENE (Mom and Dad's Sex Tape)

Jul 15, 2008

HARDASS is the story of two brothers, Ron and Don, who for lack of a better word are a couple of wimps! One day after getting in a fight that cost them almost everything (their house, car, health) they searched online for a new place to live as well as someone to train them to not be such losers. In their search they find a man by the name of Clay Jackson who just so happened to be able to provide both. Clay Jackson is an EX-UFC fighter that was kicked out of the league for finishing his opponents with round-house kicks to the jugular but now is nothing more than a tax evading nobody. This scene takes place at Ron and Don's parents house. They have grown impatient for their parents to get back with the car so they can go meet Clay for the first time. With no other option they decide to search their parents room for the keys to their deceased mothers "Hover Round".

INT. --RON AND DON’S PARENTS ROOM-- NIGHT
Ron flicks on the light as Don screams.
DON
Oh shit dude! I always hated this room as a kid and even now it still gives me the creeps.

The rooms walls are painted black and lined with stuffed domesticated animals heads. Each plaque has the name, date of birth, date of death and a quote about the animal. All the animals are previous pets of their parents. It becomes very obvious at this point that over the years the parents loved their animals more than their children. There is a long double barrel shotgun above the bed that the father used to put each and every one of the animals to sleep once their time had come.

RON
What are you scared of? It’s not alive.
Don stares at a stuffed dog with it’s fangs showing.

DON
Then why is it growling at me?

RON
They installed an automatic sensor that growls when some you pass by. It was just to keep us out of here as kids. Some times the speaker just tweaks a bit. I think it’s just cause it’s an old piece of shit.

There is a barking that sounds like a real dog that causes Don to jump in fear.

RON
Don, that’s just Lance man. He is under the bed. Jesus. Stop being such a wimp. You act like we have never snuck around in here before.

DON
I know man. Its just that it makes me nervous you know, I don’t wanna get caught.

A dog exactly like the stuffed one walks out from under the bed, shows it’s fangs then runs out of the room. Ron walks over to a large cedar dresser and opens the top drawer. Don looks over his shoulder then reaches into the drawer to grab something. He comes up with an old, unmarked VHS tape.

DON
Hey dude, I bet this is a tape of our parents having sex. Ha ha..

Ron looks at his brother and the at the tape with a look of horror in his eyes.

RON
That is just awful man. Now put that back and keep digging for the keys. Be careful not to move stuff around too much, you know dad can tell when people have messed with his stuff.

Don keeps the tape in hand an continues to dig. After a few more seconds Don pulls his hand up holding a set of keys.

DON
I think this is them man, I found em. Now lets get out of here.

RON
Hell yeah man, lets go.

Before they can truly celebrate a voice coming from behind them says “What is going on here!”. Ron and Don turn around to see their parents standing in the doorway with an angry look on their faces. Ron has a video tape in one hand and the keys in the other. He quickly pulls his hands behind his back.

RON
You guys are supposed to be at Aunt Pauline’s.

RON AND DON’S DAD
We had to come back because your mother had the shits.

RON AND DON’S MOTHER
I had food poisoning dear. That not the same thing.

RON AND DON’S DAD
Same thing dear, you were shitting water either way.

RON AND DON’S MOM
Now you boys know that isn’t true. Now if you if you will please excuse me for a moment.

The boys mother exits to a bathroom located in the hallway. Once the door closes a loud fart/shit noise starts that is clearly audible to everyone in the house.

RON AND DON’S DAD
I don’t know what smelt worse the shit or the steady stream of gas. Eh heh heh *sigh* I’m going to make a drink. You boys want anything?

DON
Sure I’ll take a beer.

RON
Yeah, me too pops.

Their dad opens three beers and turns around handing one to Don and as he hands off the other to Ron.

RON AND DON’S DAD
Look, I saw what you had in your hand boys. I guess It’s all out in the open now....

The two look at each other then back at Ron’s father as he hangs his head in shame.

DON
Oh Dad, its not what you think really.

RON
Yeah dad. Not at all what you think.

RON AND DON’S MOTHER
Will somebody bring me some toilet paper!

RON AND DON’S DAD
Oh crap, dear I am afraid that we are out! I finished the last bit this afternoon after lunch! Why don’t you just hop in the shower and rinse off like a normal person!

The mother is too embarrassed to respond but within a few seconds you hear the shower turn on followed by more fart/shitting sounds as the water runs.

RON AND DON’S DAD
Wow, its a good thing I wasn’t in there with here haha.

Ron and Don are mortified and don’t know what to say. During the awkward silence waiting for the responds the family dog, Lance, jumps up on their fathers laugh. There dad pets the dog and treats it with much more affection than he does his sons.

RON AND DON’S DAD
Now where were we?

RON
You were just about to give us the car keys so that we can go meet our new roomate.

RON AND DON’S DAD
Oh no, your not getting off that easy slugger.
Ron and Don grit their teeth hoping there dad will still let them use the car after finding them snooping in his room.

RON
Look dad, we are really sorry about looking in your room.

RON AND DON’S DAD
Now God damn it Ron just shut up for a second and let me talk!

The dog yelps a little due to the loudness of their fathers voice.

RON AND DON’S DAD
Calm down Lancey Pants, daddy isn’t yelling at you. Oh, no he isn’t boo boo boy! Daddy loves his little boy now doesn’t he? Doesn’t he?

Their father loses himself in the dog for a brief moment.

DON
Um, dad. Could you please get on with the lecture so we can get going?

RON AND DON’S DAD
Right. Okay, well when I came in here I saw that you were putting back a certain VHS tape of mine.

DON
Oh dad, no, we were looking for the..

Their fathers slams his fist down on the table.

RON AND DON’S DAD
Now don’t interrupt. Its okay Lancey. Daddy isn’t mad. He just needs to be heard.

He spends yet another minute calming down the dog as Ron and Don grow impatient.

RON AND DON’S DAD
So any ways, I saw you with the tape and I know you are probably a little confused by what you saw on it.

Ron and Don exchange confused stares but neither interrupt to that there father will finish and they can leave.

RON AND DON’S DAD
You see boys, when a man gets older his manhood doesn’t exactly work as good as it did when he was a boy.

Ron and Don go from confused to speechless and horrified as to where this might be going.

RON AND DON’S DAD
And well, in your in my mom’s search for ways to make thinks work a little better “down there” we discovered the wonders of the male prostate and basically, to tell a long story short, that is why your mom was shoving that cucumber in my ass before we made love.

RON
Awwww sick! What the hell Dad?

DON
Dad, we never watched the video. We were looking for the keys to Grandma’s old Hover Round and we had just found them when you walked in!

RON AND DON’S DAD
I see......... So you never watched the video?

RON AND DON
NO!

RON AND DON’S DAD
Hmmmmm.......
The three sit in silence and all you can hear is the shower shutting off in the background followed by another loud fart and mom saying “oopsy”. A few more moments of silence and the shower turns back on.

RON AND DON’S DAD
Well, what do you say I give you boys 20 bucks each and the keys to the car and we never speak of this again?

RON AND DON
DEAL!

They swipe the cash and the keys and take off out the door.
Fin'

by Lance Lyon and Jacob Jones (Two actual HARDASSES)