Texas Dude (buying earphones)

Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Texas Dude (buying earphones at store near apartment)
So Yeah, I go to the corner store in search of some earphones. Like the long legacy of earphones before them.. they were destined for failure. The quest for perfect earphones has lead me nearly around the world. From the U.S. to Japan to well, I just dont know were the hell the ones I just bought came from but, damn I got swindled. It went down like this...
When I got off work I reached into my back pack and grabbed my ipod. I then proceeded to unwrapped my earphones when I noticed that a rubber peice on the right earphone was missing. The rubber that covers the screen wire that covers the miniature cheap ass speaker. Well, it went to its special place to hide from me. When I put the right earphone in it cut the skin in my inner ear. Now Listen here man,...I'm a "Texas Dude...." after a random object causes me pain, I have to make that object feel the same pain. No matter how much of an ass it makes me look like. I became sort of an outraged bear and started to sling the head phones against the brick wall of Peir 62. Then like a mad pitbull on some kind of growth hormon I started to bite the headphone wires stretching the rubber and breaking tiny copper strands. I screamed “Peices of shit!" Then threw the crap into the Hudson. I love walking away as if nothing had happened. Like somehow it was ok becuase I made the earphones pay man. When I crossed the road a police officer just stared with a baffled expression. Maybe that cop thinks that I over reacted. Maybe I did. No! Fuck that cop! That cop has probably bought one pair of headphones in his life. They have worked perfectly since he was twelve and every night before he goes to sleep he pulls them out of a special box and listens to them knowing they will be there to give him more pleasure when he wakes up. Lucky him. Me, I go through those mother Fuckers every wendsday. The long ride home on a subway without music is really self reveling. It revealed I dont like people. I know why people in New York dont know everyone around them. it’s not that Its too much work. It’s just not worth it. I could have listened too a plethera of music instead I found myself beatboxing with the snoring homeless person. This person reaked horrifically. I dont know if it was a man or a woman on acount of the black hefty bag It was under like travolta in a bubble movie. I forgot to apply antipersprint that morning so my pitts were smelly but, no competition to what was next to me. This person made me have second thoughts about walking to the next car. I just didnt want to be “that dude.” You know that dude who thinks his shit dont stink. When I thought I could'nt bare it I looked to my right and this old lady sitting beside the bag just pretended not to smell it. Eithershe really had no sense of smell or she acted as if she did'nt beautifully. The hefty back just needed to go though a car wash and get vacuumed with 5 bucks worth of the strongest cherry scent. The kind you would use to soak a once piss or vomit covered seat. Listen, I ate that night. This guy probably didn't so, I sympathize for him.
This is why “Texas Dude” “loves” “the Man” or our government. I’ve seen people get money on the subway with no skills. They just pass around a hat with a picture of Jesus in it. People start pouring in the money when the hat reaches me. At that same fucking time The intercom comes on with that familiar cautionary female vioce. You know, The one at the airport that reminds you to watch your package every two minutes. This female voice briefly reminds me not to give money to jesus right when he is looking up from a hat in my lap. That is against the law. Dont give money to any one on the subway. Oh and make way for the two hundred cops that might be riding together for special “man” celebration days. Ill stop sorry dont whip me masser. Fuck off beggars, brought to you by the U.S.A... Me, I’m just a “Texas Dude.” I dont want no National health care... like France and them Pussies over round dare. That shit Just aint American and I ride red white and Blue baby. I’m so true to buying products from the homeland that I went to the corner store beside my apartment to buy a pair of earphones.
The headphone selection wasnt great but this one pair caught my eye. Sony. You cant go wrong with Sony. Right? I said gimmee them there sony headphones. The clerk acted like a true gentleman and started to open the package for me. Then he said, "I want you to try them out, while your still in the store." Damn! Can you believe this guy really wants me to get that perfect pair of head phones. The kind Ill get buried with and will rock out to anytime anywhere. I pulled them out and immediately loved the length. Hell yeah. This clerk is an american badass. He just wants me to get the best earphones in the store. Thats a good question to ask. “Excuse me sir are these the best in the store?” Clerk, “Oh yes sir they the best.” I turned them up and said to myself "yeah,... for ten bucks I can work with these. " Ten bucks. Huh. I get home and they immediately blow out and start to make a crackling sound. On top of that, the bottom half said Phillips. I guess Sony and Phillips merged and created a new sound way too hi-fi for modern electronic devices like my Ipod. Maybe it from the future. Only Ipods after 2012 can jam out with intergrated Sony-Phillip technology. Im going to take them back tomorrow. I’ll let you know how It goes.