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velvetj
King Khaos
Joe Chalat
Jacob JonesRate this site
My Profile
I am a musician, composer, comedian, film-maker guy. I have a number of musical aliases that I put out music under including the disease is the same (alt-rock), Sir. London Clean-Lily (Electronic/Industrial), Cole Slaw (Gangsta Rap)and Pish Posh (Fake 80s Synth-Pop). I like to create sounds for other peoples visuals as well as my own. I work a lot with this dude named Jacob Jones. We got a couple good scripts and a ton of Low/No Budget shorts! Check me out only if you want your mind blown. Yeah.......
My Favorites
Favorite Directors Probably myself and Jacob Henry Jones at the moment.
Favorite Films The Big Lebowski, The Meaning of Life, Spinal Tap, Run, Ronnie, Bigger Longer and UnCut, What About Bob?, The Jerk, Wayne's World,
Favorite Actors Same answer as directors.
My Posts
Dawson's Creek Theme Song Music Video
Sep 9, 2008If you hear the song while sleeping you will dream of pure bliss and happiness!
HARD ASS: The Movie (Teaser Scene) #2
Aug 5, 2008In honor of getting picked to be on the Fox Search Light home-page again I have decided to post another scene from Hard Ass (Read Synopsis in previous blog). This scene is the 2nd scene of the movie. It pretty much sets up why the two main character, Ron and Don, NEED to find someone to train them how to fight. Enjoy!
INT. --CROW’S NEST BAR-- NIGHT
Ron and Don walk into the bar wearing similar clothes. They both immediately make eye contact with the ladies at the end of the bar and give them a head nod. As they are walking in the bar two women that look like absolute, white-trash, "skanky" types are walking out of the bar flipping off two men who are still seated and appear to be paying no attention to the women. Ron and Don without speaking a word communicate that this is an opportunity and follow the angry women outside.
RON
Are you seeing what I am seeing.
DON
Beautiful buns.
RON
And they are super pissed off at whoever those guys were inside.
DON
So you take whichever one you want and I’ll get the other one. I know you like blondes better and I just like anything I can get. Hehehehe.
The two women are in the process of unlocking their car and getting inside. Just before the doors open they notice that Ron and Don followed them out and begin to converse.
JULIE
Can I help you boys?
The two stare but are temporarily speechless.
TINA
Do you have a starring problem?
Since the two are in fact losers there is a bit of nervous silence between Tina’s question and a reply from Don. Don delivered the line in such a way that he shows he really believes it is a good line.
DON
Well my lady, I am glad that you asked. It is very rarely does something so majestic, so breathtaking catch my eye. I am afraid that I may have lost it for a second. Please forgive me for starring.
TINA
Are you talking to me or her?
DON
Why you of course my lady.
Don lets out an extended cough.
TINA
Look, ain’t neither one of us named You. I am Tina here,
Tina circles the top of her head with her pointer finger.
TINA
the one with you blondish hair and big tits and this here is my G slash F.
She motions the slash with her hand.
Julie with the brown hair and big ass. Now which one of us were you talking to?
DON
Oh, there must be a little mix up. I am so sorry for not being clearer. a ha ha ha..........
Don looks at Ron and indicates to him he should pick which one of the two he wants. Ron mouths the answer to Don with his head turned and says “Big butted blonde”.
JULIE
What are you two doing?
DON
Oh, well uh, sorry to keep you waiting. Its kind of an inside joke we where talking about so.. you wouldn't think it was that funny but, any ways (very serious) the one of you I was talking to is Tina the big breasted brunette.
Kinda nervous and awkward.
RON
And my eye has caught you as well Julie and I was starring at you majestically also.
TINA
Are you boys drunk or stupid because I can’t handle another drunk?!
DON
I am not drunk or stupid. Brunette is another word for brown haired. My lady. (cough accompanied with a wink)
JULIE
I know what a Brunette is you retard, I am one but, I don’t have big tits and I would really like it if you didn't rub it in.
TINA
You have to be drunk, I don’t think anyone is that stupid.
RON
We are not drunk. You just saw us walking into the bar. You wanna smell my breath?
DON
Or taste it?
TINA
Look, I believe you. I don’t think you are drunk anymore just stupid and I can handle stupid. In fact, I just dumped a drunk at a bar so I kinda like stupid.
RON
You do?
Tina looks at Ron with a stare.
TINA
I am not talking to you. I am talking to your friend. What’s his name?
RON
Don. That’s his name and my name is Ron. We are both real nice guys if I don’t say so myself.
The girls kind of laugh but also see something of interest in the two losers.
DON
Not only are we nice guys but we are also both lawyers.
JULIE
No, your not. You are just the same two losers that come here every week and try to get laid.
TINA
We know all about you.
RON
Okay, so we are not lawyers but, we have pretty good jobs at this software firm called Globe-tech.
DON
Yeah, we’ve been there for like 3 years now and we have already gotten a dollar raise and next October we will be eligible for health benefits.
Ron slaps his forehead after hearing his ignorant friend.
TINA
Wow, so you guys like make pretty good for yourself huh?
A glimmer of hope once again enters his eyes.
RON
You are damn right we do.
DON
Yeah, we even got ourselves a house.
Their house in an absolute shit-hole and Ron would have rather taken them to a shady motel then the women see what they live in daily.
TINA AND JULIE
A house?
DON
Oh yeah, we got a house. We are actually about to make our last payment on it this week. After that it belongs to us! You two are welcome to come over anytime you want...... just to hang out with us.
The girls look at each other.
DON
We got a Wii and an XBOX 360.
RON
(mutters) idiot.....
TINA
Well, Julsey what do you say? These guys really seem nice and together like. Wanna give it a shot?
JULIE
Oh why not? I just got my TB shot. This could be fun.
TINA
All right then Sean and uh....
RON
The name is Ron and he’s DON!
TINA
Right, Ron and Don looks like you got yourselves a date!
The two are extremely excited and it shows! Perhaps this does not happen to them often?
RON
Well, uh right this way. My Kia is just on the other side of the lot. Tell you what, you wait here and I’ll go and get it. Don you stay here with the ladies for me (under his breath) and make sure they don’t leave.
Ron takes of running for the car at full speed.
DON
So, do you ladies like Wii or XBOX?
TINA
Huh?
DON
Oh, PICKY! A PS3 player I see. I am sorry that I won’t be able to accommodate you this evening my lady. I hope that one of my other two modern gaming devices will suite you temporarily.
TINA
What is he talking about?
JULIE
Who cares I just need a man.
TINA
So you are going with him? Good I at least wanted the smart one.
JULIE
Which one is that smart one?
At that time a car races up at full speed (about 45 mph) The door opens and Ron invites the ladies inside. As the door opens trash falls out and there is movement seen underneath another pile of trash still in the car.
TINA
Why don’t we just take my car?
RON
Oh come on, you don’t need to be driving. You have both been drinking.
DON
And drinking and driving don’t mix.
JULIE
Yeah, come on Tina quit being so picky and lets go (hiccup). You don’t need another DWI and neither do I.
TINA
Oh all right. Is this a damn Kia?
The girls get in the car and prepare to leave.
RON
You bet your ass it is. 100,000 mile warranty baby. Made to last.
The odometer on the car reads 99,976 miles on it. EVERYTHING inside is falling apart.
DON
We split the payments cause we live and work together. Otherwise we couldn’t afford a car on our own. Cars are expensive you know?
Ron once again has a look of disgust at his friend.
JULIE
I think that is very sweet that you two are you such close friends. Isn't that sweet Tina?
TINA
I guess, just as long as you two ain’t into none of that funny boy stuff. I can’t stand a man that goes both ways.
JULIE
Oh me neither. I need man who is ALL MAN! Grrrrr
RON
Well it looks like you are in the right car ladies because we are two of the manliest men you will ever meet. We would not even THINK of trying anything with another man right Donnie?
DON
HELL NO! Not after last time man I don’t ever want to have to clean that kind of shit up again.
You can tell that Don was not joking but, still Ron laughs and tries to cover up what his friend just said.
RON
A ha ha ha ha...... Now Don you keep kidding like that these ladies are libel to believe you.
The ladies look at the two men not knowing what to think when suddenly the front window of the car is smashed out with a shovel. The man with the shovel then grabs Ron by his hair pulling him out of the car and on to the pavement. Don jumps out of the car to assist his friend when he is blind sided by another man’s blow. Ron is now being pulled by his leg into the street. Don is getting his face kicked in as his body lays unconscious.
MAN WITH SHOVEL
Take this you pussy. Nobody takes our women and gets away with it.
A car’s headlights are headed straight for Ron.
RON
Please I’m sorry.
MAN WITH SHOVEL
You fucking stay in that road little bitch.
RON
I don’t want to die!!
MAN WITH SHOVEL
Stay or I’ll beat your ass with this shovel!
The car swerves to miss Ron. The man with the shovel then walks up to Ron and begins to hit him in the legs with the shovel.
The Camera fades to black as the two are beaten unconscious.
If you like what you read there are also a couple of low-budget, mock trailers for this film in my video section! Feel free to check them out. If you don't just know that I hate you!
Wanna see how a MAN gets free tickets to Ozzfest?
Aug 5, 2008There was a contest on nonelouder.com to make a video of yourself saying "there is none louder than [Insert Favorite Ozzfest artist here]". This is my entry that made me win two tickets!
Wanna see how a man gets free tickets to Ozzfest?
Aug 5, 2008There was a contest on nonelouder.com to make a video of yourself saying "there is none louder than [Insert Favorite Ozzfest artist here]". This is my entry that made me win two tickets!
Obama? McCain? HA (They both suck!) Why not Lyon?
Aug 5, 2008There is one single quality about me that makes me qualified to be President of The USA that neither Obama or McCain have. Watch the VIDEO to find out!
Who wants an AFTERNOON BISCUIT SNACK????
Jul 21, 2008If you don't want one now you surely will after you watch this!!!
The alien wants to go home!
Jul 21, 2008This is the compelling story of an alien searching for his way! NOT REALLY. Its just a short flash animation I did.
The Joker's Dark Knight
Jul 18, 2008I went to see The Dark Knight last night at midnight and I really can't say anything more than what everyone else has said. The movie is amazing, the story is good and Heath Ledger puts on the performance of his life. I really hate saying what everyone else says but it is absolutely true! He WILL get an Oscar and DESERVES one! This movie is sick! The cast is made up of some of Hollywood's best but The Joker's character overshadows EVERYONE else. It doesn't even make sense really. How could someone possibly over shadow both Morgan Freeman and Gary Oldman? Seems impossible right? Well its not! One thing that is a big concern of mine about this flick is that actual criminals do not watch this movie and listen to what the Joker says. Its pretty convincing. It made me wanna be a criminal I can tell you that much.
The following is a True Story -
Before the movie my friend Sam locked his keys in his car (Perhaps the Beer we chugged in the car before the film made him a tad forgetful) but it was 1140 so we just decided to go grab a seat and deal with it after the movie.
Fast forward to 3 hours later and we are back outside the car with Mall Security trying to open it. For a split second I think to myself, why don't I just use this Mall Security guy's face to smash open the window and be on our merry way? Okay, okay, thats a lie. It was more than a split second. It was like the entire time we where there (which was at least 30 minutes) and I didn't really plan on getting away via car either. I was just gonna go wild on Mall Security and then abandon my friends never to see them again. I was gonna start what would become a life long career in crime. I had to think of everything if it was gonna work. First I spent a few minutes studying the belt of the Guard. I could have smashed his face and taken his mace, gun and stick in a split second and used it on the other guards. I had 3 different escape routes in mind all depending on how things went down (jump the balcony, steal a golf car or my friends car). It was a clear get away if I had EVER seen one but I am glad I didn't do it. If I had given in to my urges there would have been 3-4 injured mall security guys, 3 very confused friends of mine and 1 newly made fugitive from the law. I wondered things like, would my friends tell them who I was? Would they use security footage to put my picture on The News? Would I finally be famous? Maybe. The real point I am trying to make here is that I seriously could have pulled it off if I wanted to but I didn't. The Joker truly infected my mind with his sickness. What happens when someone who is truly sick already hears the Joker's call? None of you are safe.
Try not to let anyone you know with a few screws loose see The Dark Knight. Tell them it sucks and save a life! Perhaps that life will be your own!
HARDASS (THE MOVIE) TEASER SCENE (Mom and Dad's Sex Tape)
Jul 15, 2008HARDASS is the story of two brothers, Ron and Don, who for lack of a better word are a couple of wimps! One day after getting in a fight that cost them almost everything (their house, car, health) they searched online for a new place to live as well as someone to train them to not be such losers. In their search they find a man by the name of Clay Jackson who just so happened to be able to provide both. Clay Jackson is an EX-UFC fighter that was kicked out of the league for finishing his opponents with round-house kicks to the jugular but now is nothing more than a tax evading nobody. This scene takes place at Ron and Don's parents house. They have grown impatient for their parents to get back with the car so they can go meet Clay for the first time. With no other option they decide to search their parents room for the keys to their deceased mothers "Hover Round".
INT. --RON AND DON’S PARENTS ROOM-- NIGHT
Ron flicks on the light as Don screams.
DON
Oh shit dude! I always hated this room as a kid and even now it still gives me the creeps.
The rooms walls are painted black and lined with stuffed domesticated animals heads. Each plaque has the name, date of birth, date of death and a quote about the animal. All the animals are previous pets of their parents. It becomes very obvious at this point that over the years the parents loved their animals more than their children. There is a long double barrel shotgun above the bed that the father used to put each and every one of the animals to sleep once their time had come.
RON
What are you scared of? It’s not alive.
Don stares at a stuffed dog with it’s fangs showing.
DON
Then why is it growling at me?
RON
They installed an automatic sensor that growls when some you pass by. It was just to keep us out of here as kids. Some times the speaker just tweaks a bit. I think it’s just cause it’s an old piece of shit.
There is a barking that sounds like a real dog that causes Don to jump in fear.
RON
Don, that’s just Lance man. He is under the bed. Jesus. Stop being such a wimp. You act like we have never snuck around in here before.
DON
I know man. Its just that it makes me nervous you know, I don’t wanna get caught.
A dog exactly like the stuffed one walks out from under the bed, shows it’s fangs then runs out of the room. Ron walks over to a large cedar dresser and opens the top drawer. Don looks over his shoulder then reaches into the drawer to grab something. He comes up with an old, unmarked VHS tape.
DON
Hey dude, I bet this is a tape of our parents having sex. Ha ha..
Ron looks at his brother and the at the tape with a look of horror in his eyes.
RON
That is just awful man. Now put that back and keep digging for the keys. Be careful not to move stuff around too much, you know dad can tell when people have messed with his stuff.
Don keeps the tape in hand an continues to dig. After a few more seconds Don pulls his hand up holding a set of keys.
DON
I think this is them man, I found em. Now lets get out of here.
RON
Hell yeah man, lets go.
Before they can truly celebrate a voice coming from behind them says “What is going on here!”. Ron and Don turn around to see their parents standing in the doorway with an angry look on their faces. Ron has a video tape in one hand and the keys in the other. He quickly pulls his hands behind his back.
RON
You guys are supposed to be at Aunt Pauline’s.
RON AND DON’S DAD
We had to come back because your mother had the shits.
RON AND DON’S MOTHER
I had food poisoning dear. That not the same thing.
RON AND DON’S DAD
Same thing dear, you were shitting water either way.
RON AND DON’S MOM
Now you boys know that isn’t true. Now if you if you will please excuse me for a moment.
The boys mother exits to a bathroom located in the hallway. Once the door closes a loud fart/shit noise starts that is clearly audible to everyone in the house.
RON AND DON’S DAD
I don’t know what smelt worse the shit or the steady stream of gas. Eh heh heh *sigh* I’m going to make a drink. You boys want anything?
DON
Sure I’ll take a beer.
RON
Yeah, me too pops.
Their dad opens three beers and turns around handing one to Don and as he hands off the other to Ron.
RON AND DON’S DAD
Look, I saw what you had in your hand boys. I guess It’s all out in the open now....
The two look at each other then back at Ron’s father as he hangs his head in shame.
DON
Oh Dad, its not what you think really.
RON
Yeah dad. Not at all what you think.
RON AND DON’S MOTHER
Will somebody bring me some toilet paper!
RON AND DON’S DAD
Oh crap, dear I am afraid that we are out! I finished the last bit this afternoon after lunch! Why don’t you just hop in the shower and rinse off like a normal person!
The mother is too embarrassed to respond but within a few seconds you hear the shower turn on followed by more fart/shitting sounds as the water runs.
RON AND DON’S DAD
Wow, its a good thing I wasn’t in there with here haha.
Ron and Don are mortified and don’t know what to say. During the awkward silence waiting for the responds the family dog, Lance, jumps up on their fathers laugh. There dad pets the dog and treats it with much more affection than he does his sons.
RON AND DON’S DAD
Now where were we?
RON
You were just about to give us the car keys so that we can go meet our new roomate.
RON AND DON’S DAD
Oh no, your not getting off that easy slugger.
Ron and Don grit their teeth hoping there dad will still let them use the car after finding them snooping in his room.
RON
Look dad, we are really sorry about looking in your room.
RON AND DON’S DAD
Now God damn it Ron just shut up for a second and let me talk!
The dog yelps a little due to the loudness of their fathers voice.
RON AND DON’S DAD
Calm down Lancey Pants, daddy isn’t yelling at you. Oh, no he isn’t boo boo boy! Daddy loves his little boy now doesn’t he? Doesn’t he?
Their father loses himself in the dog for a brief moment.
DON
Um, dad. Could you please get on with the lecture so we can get going?
RON AND DON’S DAD
Right. Okay, well when I came in here I saw that you were putting back a certain VHS tape of mine.
DON
Oh dad, no, we were looking for the..
Their fathers slams his fist down on the table.
RON AND DON’S DAD
Now don’t interrupt. Its okay Lancey. Daddy isn’t mad. He just needs to be heard.
He spends yet another minute calming down the dog as Ron and Don grow impatient.
RON AND DON’S DAD
So any ways, I saw you with the tape and I know you are probably a little confused by what you saw on it.
Ron and Don exchange confused stares but neither interrupt to that there father will finish and they can leave.
RON AND DON’S DAD
You see boys, when a man gets older his manhood doesn’t exactly work as good as it did when he was a boy.
Ron and Don go from confused to speechless and horrified as to where this might be going.
RON AND DON’S DAD
And well, in your in my mom’s search for ways to make thinks work a little better “down there” we discovered the wonders of the male prostate and basically, to tell a long story short, that is why your mom was shoving that cucumber in my ass before we made love.
RON
Awwww sick! What the hell Dad?
DON
Dad, we never watched the video. We were looking for the keys to Grandma’s old Hover Round and we had just found them when you walked in!
RON AND DON’S DAD
I see......... So you never watched the video?
RON AND DON
NO!
RON AND DON’S DAD
Hmmmmm.......
The three sit in silence and all you can hear is the shower shutting off in the background followed by another loud fart and mom saying “oopsy”. A few more moments of silence and the shower turns back on.
RON AND DON’S DAD
Well, what do you say I give you boys 20 bucks each and the keys to the car and we never speak of this again?
RON AND DON
DEAL!
They swipe the cash and the keys and take off out the door.
Fin'
by Lance Lyon and Jacob Jones (Two actual HARDASSES)
The Life Box (AFI Short Film)
Jul 7, 2008When you die your soul is sent to a purgatory court of review. Once in that court of review you find out the shocking secret that the Judge of the Court is YOU!!!!!
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